Time and the Barmey

Well after a few weeks hiatus I am back with the thinly veiled play on words in the title, another Doctor Who themed title at well. So in all seriousness there has been reason for the hiatus, not sure how good that reason is but there you have it. I have just been very busy writing my project, moving house and just generally being a bit tired. There was also the fact that there was nothing very interesting going on in my life so I didn’t want to just repeat myself endlessly with the same thing every day. It has been a rather difficult and trying summer where I have got a bit sick of saying so when everyone returning from there wonderful summers has been saying how great their summer was (well I am exaggerating a bit here but you get the gist).

I have been wrestling with where my strength comes from, where my motivation comes from and why I have not been doing what I know I really should be doing in focusing on God. I can say that whilst it has been a journey and that I have maybe veered a bit off course I am still walking with God which was one of my long term goals so I guess I should be thankful for that. If I’m being honest the last 6 weeks or so have been tough trying to get my project done for uni, adjusting to my new place which is only temporary again until I can find somewhere a bit more appropriate and my focus on God has really slipped.

There have been some really good and inspiring Sunday messages (and other fun stuff, most of which I missed due to me having to do my project instead) and I recently was shown a mirror of some of the things I need to change in my life and have got absolutely no where in making those changes. But this evening, as He always does, God spoke just the right message to my heart about joy. Now during this message a lot of references from various scriptures about the joy of the Lord being our strength just brought fresh revelation to my own life and how I have really lacked a lot of true joy. I realised that the Enemy (yes we have an enemy whether you believe it or not and Hell is a real place) had been robbing me of joy for so long that I precious knew what true joy was. I realised that it was in those moments of worship when I experienced true, satisfying joy – no guilt, no shame, nothing to haunt or sour my experience. I realised that if I am to become the strong person that I believe I was made to be I need to reclaim that joy. I also realised later on that I am happiest when I am around my friends and family around those who care about me and I care about. I don’t know how to go about fundamentally making some of the changes I need to gain permanent true joyfulness in my life. I do however know that I need to practice just doing what I do best – worshiping the Lord my God with all my heart and all my soul, no matter where I am or when I am, whether that be a Sunday evening or a Thursday morning.

When I first created this blog it was to give myself something to work towards, something to aim for. I created this blog to make myself accountable to change and grow in the Lord, something that I have been unsuccessful at recently and I want to rectify. I have come to realise that it is unrealistic for someone like me to keep a sustainable daily blog in that I am easily distracted and don’t always have anything to write about unlike some people who I have to admire.

So it’s about time to remind ourselves (including myself as it has been a while) of my long term goals which were and still are:

• Stay on the path God has set before me
• View myself in a positive light which brings glory to God
• Find a job in television production/find out what God has for me as a career.
• Feel more positive about myself even when I don’t feel great about myself, this is a decision not just some feeling.
• Be proactive in everything I do each day – seeking God, doing the various chores and jobs required each day etc.

As I alluded to earlier I have managed to stay on the path God has set before me, in some way even if I have needed a lot of nudging back in the right direction recently, but other than that I have been pretty pathetic in keeping to these goals and I need to just make a clean slate and start from today to get back on track. Despite what I said earlier for the time being whilst I am finished university and am unemployed and looking for a job I am going to aim to write something every day again until life settles back down into the mundane routine that is life (though I hope it never gets like that as that would be rather boring).

Anyway this would be as good a time as any to set myself my first daily targets of my return:

• Get up by 9.30 at the latest.
• Get to the local Housing Aid building to get help finding an affordable place.
• Make a real start on finding paid work.
• Get in touch with some people I have fallen out of touch with a bit over the summer and arrange to meet up.

So with this in mind I’ll finish off on a light note considering this is a fairly heavy post by expressing some of my thoughts and feelings about the new series of Doctor Who (yes I am just a big childish geek get over it :p). So I think Peter Capaldi is brilliant as the Doctor and he has performed well every single episode even if the scripts haven’t lived up to expectation. Whilst I did like Listen a lot it didn’t quite reach the standards of Blink (by and large my all time favorite nu-who episode and possibly one of the best moments of television history ever in my opinion). Well that’s it from me tonight, I’ll see you all tommorow.

I 0:)

Busy, busy, busy

As the title suggests I’ve been busy the past few days so haven’t been particularly on it with posting – and I do appologise for that, hopefully normal service has now returned. So I’m absolutely knackered after the week I have had and my day has just been insanely busy and yet I don’t feel like I have got much done. I have a lot to do still and not a lot of time to do it in. I feel that God is taking me into a season of having to trust Him that He will provide my every need and that my future is secure in Him. Up until now I had been so sure I knew what God had for me and He has completely flipped it around in a way that I would never have dreamed of. 

It would seem despite the relaxed day I had yesterday I haven’t recovered from my week as much as I had hoped, some how I did keep my confidence up though and despite everything I do still feel like I’m not a failure and that I have come a long way. I even stayed at the church cafe at the end of the service to see Germany make history once again, I’ve had a good evening at worship team night though I am a bit tired so I’ll be wrapping this up to get to bed.

So my targets for tomorrow are:

• Relax, I have a lot to do but not to rush about – less haste more speed.
• Start to catch up with my bible reading – been bad these past few days, making excuses and just not doing what I know I should be doing.

I’m out, goodnight.

I 0:)

Sun, walks, water fun

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday, I was rather busy and didn’t get back from the party until early this morning. I had a really good time last night and wasn’t too worried about the car ride at all. I managed to have a good time and whilst far from centre of attention was in a group for most of the night so overall mission achieved there. I did get in late to my lab but I did have my landlord coming around at 8.30 for a short while which meant I didn’t stand a chance of getting in on time unfortunately – and I also spent a bit too long getting ready. The main thing is my labs are mostly done now and as long as I don’t need to re take any results should be ok. I have to go in on Monday to get some help with some of the analysis which scuppers my plans to get back on Job seekers straight away as my availability will still not be to the required standard, but more on that when I know.

Today has been a great day. We had a surprise pub lunch/walk today for one of my friends who is off to America for 6 months to work with iHop (International house of prayer) which is great. We had a good walk and the best thing is that I haven’t really been burnt either, bit red in places but no burns which is good. 🙂

So I am knackered after all that so I plan on having a chilled evening and getting to bed early – 12.30 at the absolute latest. Which brings me onto my targets for tommorow:

• Recover from this week
• Keep up the confidence
• Get to church on time, maybe even stay for the World cup final (not a big football fan really but I like to socialise a bit), our later service is finishing a bit early so that we can watch the match.

I 0:)

Chilled to the bone – PUNishment of a life time!

A title inspired by my brother telling me my puns are dreadful. Well all I can say is I don’t give a rats ass (excuse my language here :p) I enjoy making the puns and that’s what counts. So not exactly punishment of a life time but been chilling out all evening and been a bit chilly at times. I could just go with the puns if I bothered trying but I’m not going to. I have better things to do! 😀

So again I missed my lab deadline and yet again I still manage to make progress and get done what we wanted to somehow. I think I have enough to do the write up well now. Its just a case of actually getting on and doing it. The main thing is that I am making progress and some how by God’s amazing grace manage to keep going forward inspite of deserving to at least stagnate if not regress in the natural. I am so grateful for all that God has done to keep me going despite the hard work required.

Moving on I mentioned in yesterdays post (which sorry it was posted a bit late, I got delayed by being distracted by various things – it happens) about Friday’s post and my nerves about it. I feel I’m making the right decision in sticking with this plan but I fear feeling isolated at best or out of my depth and just finding myself unable to really interact with anyone other than my closer friends because I have been paralysed by fear of what went on in the car – and this is before even getting there. I know I’m being stupid and over-analysing it all but I find myself carrying on anyway and it frustrates me and becomes a vicious cycle that just ends up me spiralling into a pit of depression because I feel so lonely and isolated – based on past experience, thank God I haven’t spiraled there yet. I pray that I don’t and genuinely don’t want to – I believe I can break the cycle just as with everything else but I can’t get past the experiences of my past and the doubt/self-doubt that always comes with stuff like this (and yes the is a difference between doubt and self-doubt – doubt is you doubt it can happen for you and self-doubt is that you just don’t believe your strong enough to get past it, subtle but very different).

The one thing I have learnt in all my years of living is the past will cripple you to the point where a wilting, half rotten vegetable.has more life in it than you – unless you don’t let it. A simple thought really but so hard to apply at times and I don’t know of anyone who has digressed that much (I am discounting any debilitating diseases etc here I am merely referring to anything which has a negative impact on your life) but from how far down I have gone I do believe it is possible to get that bad if you allow yourself. I say this to emphasis just how fragile humans are and to give you just a little picture of how I feel I might as well be when I get into one of these spirals.

Moving on it time to review the rest of my targets from yesterday and set some new one. I have been feeling pretty good and there was news which really excited me that I will post up later when and if the details all come through. I did well with my prayer list today (I think) and have had a fairly relaxed evening so overall I have had a good day bar the late getting to lab incident – which is bothering me as it has happened at least twice in a row this week which I don’t think is acceptable. But enough about that – I don’t need to pull myself down by punishing myself over it particularly when I’m at risk of going somewhere down the spiral tommorow with the party anyway.

So quite a depressing read today (sorry – hadn’t planned that, promise) so here’s a picture to cheer us all up:

And if that doesn’t get you then this might:

Or maybe this:

And if none of that works well all I have is this:

Unless you’d like some cake first:

Oh sorry the cake is a lie! :p Hehe!

Well now we’ve all had a bit of a laugh (I hope – I certainly have a smile on my face now :p) it’s about time I set my targets for tommorow:

• Relax about the party and the car ride there – just don’t think about it in fact.
• Get to my final lab for 9.30 (yes I know I have been late and I have been aiming half an hour later but I have a lot to do and I need the extra motivation).
• Have fun at the party – don’t just lurk in the corner and feel left out because I’m too shy to interact with anyone (which happens depressingly often even on normal occasions so a bit of a big ask but I can do it with God on my side).
• Just be me – don’t let my shyness hold me back as it so often has in the past.
• Get to bed by 12.30 latest tonight.

Well lots to think about and digest so I shall leave it there for tonight. Goodnight!

I 0:)

Steps of faith, never giving up and holding on fast when I feel like I’m falling

I have time today so I don’t have to rush with this post. 🙂 My heart is full of joy over all that God has been doing in my life and the lives of those who I love. Recently I have had to face up to my irresponsibility in the past and take on responsibility like I have never had to before. Grace has covered my mistakes and sins and always will but I don’t want to keep making mistakes and sinning – that is not what grace is there for. Grace is for the good things in our lives not just the bad. I realise that I have been sloppy and a lot needs to change in a very short period of time. I have faith that these things will happen but it is waiting for them to manifest that is hard and the video from Monday has had a big impact on me.

There have been things going on in me which God has kicked off and got started some of which has been as recent as tonight but more of that to come in the come days, weeks and months. It brings a lot of mixed and often contradictory emotions and is something I need to work on. So I am going to start making a daily prayer list of things I want to pray for (so won’t be posting them here) so I have some sort of aim in my prayers – really get some structure into my prayer time. I realise that there is a risk of it just becoming a tick box but I want this to be more than that – I want it to be a list of answered prayers not prayers that are left hanging. It will also help me knock and knock and knock and keep knocking until the time is right for me to have that prayer answered.

My heart overflows and I barely know what to do with the outpouring in my life. It has been frustrating as I got into the labs late and due to no one being about all morning I was on the computers making a start on some analysis for my project. On the upside I haven’t been rushing this post today and on the whole feel quite good if a little isolated still. I do feel a bit nervous about Friday though.

So on Friday I am going to a friend from small group’s (or life group as I should call it now) birthday party which I’m all fine with but I am getting a lift there with iknowafewthings and a couple of others from life group but I’ll be the only guy in the car. This might not seem like a big deal to many people but I have never been very good with social situations especially around girls and have always worried what they think. That if I am the way that I would want to be that they would read more into it than there is and I’d be scared that there is more to it than there should be. I fear that I’ll do something stupid or the cycles will just carry on – and so they do. Having explained some of this I was given a get out option which I decided not to take. It might sound strange but I feel I need to take a step of faith and just trust that a) I won’t be a complete idiot inspite of my rather poor track record where women are concerned and b) I am a valued member of the group and that no one is judging me – or if they are then it is their problem and their issue not mine and they will be convicted of it if they need to be. However more about that tommorow.

As always we have come to my daily target setting which are:

• Keep going – don’t stop feeling fairly positive despite all that is going on in my life right now.
• Get to my lab by 10 as always
• Make good my start on my prayer list.
• Have a relaxed evening – it has been a busy 3 evenings and I have another on Friday as mentioned earlier.

Finally I just want to say thank you for reading these posts I really appreciate it and don’t forget to feel free to comment if you so wish. 🙂

I 0:)

Heart and soul, history and disbelief

Ok, another amazing night and this is late again for a number of reasons so I’ll get straight to it. My labs are going well and though I was a bit late I made good progress which is nice and I made time to pray and read my bible as I did yesterday – I just never got round to mentioning it because I was in a rush.

I was feeling good and relaxed having got back home from my lab for about 20mins or so before I needed to leave for church which was good and I was feeling rather upbeat. I was however feeling slightly isolated and pre-meeting I felt a bit isolated but the night was amazing, heard some amazing news about a couple of my friends and was given an image about me by someone I don’t really know that was amazing, but I won’t share what it was for various reasons.

I know this has been a rather rushed post – I had planned plenty of time to write this but got caught when my housemate came home just a bit after me and told me that Brazil were losing to Germany 5-0 after just half an hour so I spent the rest of the match watching the match as I could not believe the history being written in front of my eyes.

Ok, my targets for tommorow are:

• Try harder not to be in a rush posting here.
• Get to my lab by 10 at the latest

Ok, I’m going to leave it there for now, night.

I 0:)

Manic Monday

Manic Monday

Ok so not my usual picture post but I couldn’t resist when I had this title. Really good song as well. :p As the title suggests it has been a rather busy day – I got into labs more or less for my 10.00 deadline and I was feeling pretty good about how things had gone despite there being slow progress and having to use the external camera again because we couldn’t get the image small enough to fit on to the chip of the modified webcam we were trying to use instead of a screen.

For various reasons I needed to go home before going to church from my lab meaning that I finally met my housemates girlfriend (they only recently started to officially date – long story) and her friend which was a strange but brief experience but I won’t get into that. I might come to start explaining some of it at some point later. I was a bit late getting to Worship team because of this but there is grace and I have been good and I don’t intend to make a habit of it.

We watched a really good sermon on Vimeo called Taking responsibility for your life which really impacted me and I do need to work on so more about that to come soon. I am aware it is almost midnight and I am trying to get my post in before then. To save time and because my targets were good I’m going to keep them except with the team night replace that with Heart and soul. 😀

I 0:)

The power of Christ

Another of those days where things have been strange – I missed not just the 9 am but the 11.15 service as well because I was knackered, which is frankly not an excuse and I do need to work on. Worse I was also a bit late to church for set up, and whilst it didn’t matter and everything worked it ok it’s not ok and I want to do better. A large part of the culture we are trying to set in the worship team (covering both production which of course is what I’m on and the worship band) is bringing the best us possible and being late is not bring the best me there is.

Inspite of all this I feel pretty good about my day. Sure I had a rather slow start but when I got to church I started to do what I needed to do only for someone else turning up for my job because they thought they were on instead. This worked out well in the end as they were short of people on cameras because it was baptisms and they needed an extra person who wasn’t on rota so I got to learn how to mix and hop on the camera being used to record/show on the screens the baptisms going on. It was the first baptism we did since going to 2 Sunday evening services (making it 4 services a day) and we changed the layout completely. There was an element introduced into the previous baptism which we carried on with so that was good. I may go into the details another time but not today. 

I have a busy week coming up with me needing to get into the labs pretty much all day everyday for the whole week and I have things going on 4 evenings out of 5 so its going to be a good week as I will have plenty of time to be active which is good. 

My targets for tommorow are:

• Get to the lab by 10 at the latest.
• Get to worship team in good spirit no matter how bad or good the rest of my day has been.
• Make sure I make enough time to read my bible/pray etc.

I 0:)

Pants – the confessions of a Christian gamer.

In terms of my targets today has been a bit pants (hence the title and humorous picture, well I think there’s a humorous element to it :p). I got to prayer albeit a bit late but that didn’t matter too much, and I did some chores but again could have done better on that front and I’m going to have to do the food shopping another time soon. Spent most of the day not doing much just relaxing, which if you haven’t gathered I’ve been doing a bit much of these past few years.

So as I have alluded to in previous posts and in the title I am a bit of a gamer with me playing a lot of Blizzard games at the moment. Mostly Heathstone and Diablo 3 but I have started to play Starcraft 2 today and have played some of the free version of WoW (I’m too lazy to type out the full name – we all know what I’m referring to though so it doesn’t matter). Though I am a bit of a sucker for The Elder Scrolls Series (Oblivion and Skyrim – I don’t particularly rate Morrowind but I started on Oblivion rather than Morrowind as many did so I may well be influenced by that).

Being a Christian I have no problem with such games or those who watch/read TV/films/books of that fantasy sort of genre and read and watch such films/programs and books myself though I admit I’m not the biggest reader ever. I also enjoy Magic the Gathering though I haven’t properly collected in years and just haven’t had the money to really collect. Though I don’t have a problem with all these things in principle they (along with any form of entertainment really) can easily get in the way of work, chores and even relationships. Unfortunately this has at times (not always) been a problem and my degree did suffer from it though other factors were involved including my inability to get into a good regular sleep pattern which allowed me to get to all my lectures etc. Just another of the problems that I hoped this blog would be able to help with in the long run.

When I said that even relationships suffer what I mean is that I have missed things because I have been playing rather than going to an event. Being the sort of person I am it meant (and still means) that I can get cut out a lot and it’s my fault rather than anyone elses. This combined with not feeling very comfortable forming friendships has lead to some of the isolation I have felt and I know that God has slowly been working on this and that things are slowly improving. Just like some of my friends I will always be a bit of a gamer but I do want to get more of a balance and spend more time with my friends and family – including my Father in Heaven. I want to get the right balance in all my relationships and maybe not so much form new ones – though that is important and not to be forgotten but I want to concentrate on deepening some of the relationships I have formed and do it in a way that is appropriate depending on who it is.

A bit of a sporadic post again today but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there on this. Which brings us on to my targets for tomorrow:

• Get to the 9am service again – it was such a great experience last week.
• Get to church early for setting up for the evening services.

I have decided that I am going to add one final long term goal to my goals list:

• Be proactive in everything I do each day – seeking God, doing the various chores and jobs required each day etc.

So to recap the exhaustive list now stands as:

• Stay on the path God has set before me
• View myself in a positive light which brings glory to God
• Find a job in television production/find out what God has for me as a career.
• Feel more positive about myself even when I don’t feel great about myself, this is a decision not just some feeling.
• Be proactive in everything I do each day – seeking God, doing the various chores and jobs required each day etc.

So as to not overwhelm myself I’m going to leave my long term goals as they are and not add to them until I start ticking some of them off. Some are life long targets but most can be ticked off or modified as I journey on. The challenge now is to start seeing real change in some of the cycles that have plagued me since starting university. Having found purpose in my life I now need to channel that purpose so that I have a positive influence on the world around me in a way that is glorifying to God and in which God can be seen in every step. I realise that this is stupidly easy to say but ridiculously hard to go out and do but it is what I need to do – no matter how many times I fall, no matter what the cost.

I’ll leave it there for tonight. Night.

I 0:)

 

 

Sweet smell of success and a bit of a challenge

 

 

Ok, getting a bit abstract with using that particular picture but I like it and its my blog so what the heck. :p I was a bit late getting to my lab but that was due to me sorting out the personal business which is good though I do need to follow that up but more on that later. At some point (possibly after my project) I will try to post up some of the Schlieren pictures I took today. So changing the set up around a bit more we have finally succeeded in obtaining some Schlieren picture which is great as I finally have something to write up. Hopefully I will have a lot more before the end. And just as an added bonus I didn’t forget my phone. 😀 So win win today.

The reason I made this blog, as I mentioned in my first blog (https://grizzlyvamp.wordpress.com/2014/06/22/there-a-journey-of-not-turning-back/) for anyone who might want to catch up, the reason I created the blog was to try and help me improve my own self image and how I see myself. As I have said multiple time on this blog this is a journey that is going to take time and isn’t always going to be easy. But I am seeing results and am far less afraid of expressing myself than I used to be. It is still a challenge and I’m far from perfect but this blog has been an excellent forum for expressing my views and beliefs in a way I have never been able to before, and the consequences of that are slowly starting to show. Very much a large part of the intent of this blog was accountability and still very much is intended as such. I guess what I am really saying is that I don’t want this to just me posting up my thoughts and ideas every day, I want to be challenged and kept to my targets. To help me better myself and keep on track with my ultimate goals.

This brings me neatly on to setting my targets for tomorrow:

• Do the household chores that need doing.
• Go food shopping.
• Get to the lads/mens prayer breakfast tomorrow morning.

I 0:)